zhikai

2007-01-05T01:34:00.000-08:00

Been so long since the last time I blogged.
Good to see so many of you guys tagging, but it's kinda sad to actually realize most bloggers blog when they are the most depressed.
And the greatest surprise is that there is no surprise I am the same.

Well, everything happened real fast.

You see, a chocolate mud bath would be really nice!
But if there's someone in it with you, it's kinda infuriating.
Not so bad if it's someone you don't know, or dislike 'cause you would fight to protect your prerogative to indulge.
Someone you are close with would rouse your conscience to share this luxury which has brought out the selfish-you out of your shell.

Then suddenly, you are enlightened. You came to know that the chocolate mud bath has already someone in it, and neither you or your close friend could eliminate that someone for he's already fused with the chocolate mud bath.

-The end.

Ps: The two friends lived happily ever after...

2006-11-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

It's been a really beautiful day, it's always been.

But today, it seems, especially.

2006-09-09T01:51:00.000-07:00

My friends have been telling me that I am very cynical.
Well, I think they are then cynical.
On what ground am I saying this?

You see, a self-proclaimed optimist always writes/says
"Cynics will say that..."
"Cynics will jump at..."
"Cynics wil..."

And so it is, these "optimists" holds on firm that cynics are cynical, and sees no hope in them being optimistic. Unconsciously, they are then the cynics.

While, on the other hand, cynics prove to be optimistic as they have a strong faith that everything has no value, and so they insist that there is no way something will have a value no matter how much a person tries to prove the worth of something. And in the end, the something remains valueless. In this way, time and time again, a cynic's hypothesis is proven right in his own way. And he gains hope each time, and becomes certain of his belief, thus remaining optimistic about it.

Well, I think optimists are just sad case 'cause they are in dillusion that they are optimistic when in fact they are not all that after all. And cynics are just plain idiots when they seek to find flaws out of something they brand as nothing. How can nothing have flaws I would ask?

So, these 2 groups of people who assume, think, claim, announce, they are opposites of each other are actually parallel and in fact subset of each other.
So I hope they will live happily ever after.

2006-08-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

Boy: Daddy, I'm feeling lost.
Dad: Tell me about it, son.
Boy: I'm trying to find something I can't seem to find.
Dad pat son on his head, and said, "You're thinking too much, boy. It's time for bed.
Run along."

The next day, dad woke up to find boy in a pool of his own blood from his mouth.
Right beside him was a piece of paper, it wrote:

Daddy,

I finally found it.

The something I couldn't seem to find.

I realised I have to drop the Treasure in the feeling of being LOST,

to fully appreciate Sorrow.

I'm hurting now.

But at the same time, I feel joy.

For I finally found the thing I thought I could never find.

I found LOSS.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful.

Love,

Son.

2006-08-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

The lightnings flashed.
The thunders roared after.
At least the skies are lashed.
At least nature's not bashed.

The concrete ground.
The rock as pillow.
At least sleep knows no bound.
At least dreams can be found.

The eyes of rain.
The skin like zipper, it tears.
At least I can feel pain.
At least my feelings' not a lain.

Do I have to try?
How Humpty-Humpty Felt?
Where do I pry?
What makes me go dry?

2006-08-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

I want the clouds as my blanket.
I want the moon as my bedside lamp.
I want the stars as the sugar in my tea.

I see only darkness when morning comes.
I hear only weeping when noon arrives.
I taste only alkali when dusk falls.

When I feel cold, someone on the heater.
When I feel tired, someone sings me a lullaby.
When I can't find my way, someone navigates for me.

2006-07-21T22:47:00.000-07:00

Mr. Black stood at the traffic junction,
waiting...
And he crossed when the red man lights.

Mrs. White lied on her bed,
staring...
And she took the sleeping pills when dawn arrives.

Miss. Grey was ill and saw the doctor,
recovering...
And she started consuming the medicine when she's fine.

And they did what they wished to live up to their names.
Stereotypes, aren't they?

2006-07-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

"A cynic is a man who has a price for everything,

but value for nothing"

-A.A. Milne

(Author of Winnie, The Pooh)

The Sunny Side

2006-07-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

Excel Festival is over.
I received lots of compliments for my postcards which I'm pretty happy about. But then I just keep thinking to myself am I really that good? And it certainly puts light on what I will be doing after my A's. Advertising? But via which way. I totally don't wanna get into university to take a course I don't really like. But I also don't wanna waste 2 years of my time in JC and not putting that brain-draining certificate to good use. Sigh. Come what may.

I think I should stop doing too much to draw attention of a friend onto myself. It makes me feel like a clown when the friend doesn't reciprocate. Sometimes, I just can't help it when I love a friend too much, but I definitely must not be too "possessive" about friends. Friends are not meant to be possessed but be shared. Shan't try to be preach when I'm stuck in a morass myself.

This boy is just delirious.
Happy yet sad.
Solemn yet perky.

2006-07-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord,
Why does happiness brings me misery?
Why does beautiful friendships bring me tears?
I know why, but why?

Do I have to comply?
Do we have to oblige?
Why so?

Why?

2006-06-22T02:52:00.000-07:00

The song that is playing now is
"Do you have a little time" by Dido.

There was once I was listening to it several times a day. Now, I suddenly start to listen to it again after a very long period of not really listening to it.
And I realise it applies very much to me and perhaps a lot of people around me.
Do we make time for love?

I am always very open about this thing called love, and I have no taboo or what-so-ever about telling a friend I love(not in the romantic sense) him/her.

I often ponder about it though.

And I told someone whom I love every much that it can be selfish to love. Because when you love someone, you would want to do things to make the person happy. And when the person is happy, you feel happy too. So isn't you loving just to make YOURSELF happy?

And how about those selfless love often portrayed in movies? That you will love someone so much, you grant the person happiness, and you in misery. But then again, isn't it selfishness again? That you give your loved one happiness just to make YOURSELF feel good.

Oh no, this is catastrophic.
LOVE is SELFISH.
SELFISH is BAD.
Therefore,
LOVE is BAD.

So we shan't love? But what makes you if you don't love? SELFISH.
Okay, this is getting a whee bit confusing.
In conclusion, loving or not loving, we still can't help it but to be selfish, so why not love and be selfish rather than not loving yet is still selfish?

Tell the people around you that you love them(cliche).
Because you never know they may get banged by a car the next moment(that's me, as some of you guys know).

L.O.V.E

2006-06-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

My best friend's best friend, Joanne, asked me to update my blog.
So here I go.

I'm happy.
Best friend's best friend, Happy?

2006-06-08T01:35:00.000-07:00

The past 3days been really fruitful, not in studying aspect but other.

Spent 2 days at the church's Leadership Training Camp. It's been a good time to get closer to some of the youths which I've never got to since I'm always leaving straight after service or Bible study. And the most important part of it is the embrace of God's presence with us, reflected very much on my incompetence in pleasing God and definitely lots of tears.

Spent time with the crazy 213 again, cycling from East Coast to Kallang stadium. Minus the butt pain, it's been a cool ride with crazy events like the soccer ball in longkang... Pool with the guys was also very fun, though it made us missed the buses home. Stayed over at Daryl's place, which opened my eyes to his...
Very cool shower room... Haha...

Now, I must do abit of a reality check. Whatever it is, may God bless these happy memories and experiences, everyone involved, so they may last.

2006-06-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

I'm happy these days, really.
It's nothing more or less, just happy.

I think I'm quite a sad case, 'cause I'm always very much affected by friendship matters. And you could have guessed, I'm happy 'cause I'm happy with the friends around me.
I feel appreciated, and that's really enough. No need for gifts or big words, or rather empty words. And that's perhaps something I didn't enjoy some years back.

Anyway, there've been events going on around me, like stef's case and also something else. I was begging to disagree with stef's statement that all men are jerks, 'cause I feel that is really childish which both men and women should send to venus and mars respectively.

But these events really make me feel ashamed for guys.
Insensitive.
Tactless.
Selfish.
Stoic.
Dumb.
Numb.
I know I shouldn't be saying that on the fact that I'm a guy myself, but this is just what I see very often in guys. And I'm not generalising, I mean there are guys I can see are not like the above mentioned, and I certainly hope they really are not. And I definitely hope I will not fall into any of what I've described.

2006-05-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

This is quite dumb but it's already Monday and I'm about to blog about Friday and Saturday... I could have just changed the dates but just feel that I should be a bit more genuine than that when I'm blogging.

Anyway, on Friday, it's guitar night. But I already set out to meet Stephanie(Stef) to do some shopping. Okay, not really some but quite a bit of it. Stef's not very happy these days so we decided to shop as a form of therapy, for her, but I supposed I got more stuff than she did in the end. Here's my list of items purchased that day:
Necklace, $7.90
Watch, 2 for $18.90, one for myself the other for Stef
Bokano T-shirt, $32
Biblical(the design is based on quotes in the bible) T-shirt, $19.90
7 biblical badges from the same store, $5.20

Well, ICON is just a place full of temptations. There's this shop that sells tops from Europe and I DIDN'T buy anything from there 'cause I aready overspent. Sad sad sad... I can't believe Himbo is only gonna spent like less than $100 for Great Singapore Sales (GSS). Any sugar-mummies or daddies out there who wanna sponsor me? Haha...

Then on Saturday, I had to work to cover up for my losses. It's a cool workday, 'cause I got more visitors(as in friends). Kero came 'cause I told him to, and he accompanied me for lunch and some time in the shop as my bosses were out. Well, he earned himself quite a bit of free ice-cream, my favourite durian and peanut, but still thanks Kero for taking the trouble to come. Then Stef came, this I didn't tell her to... But thanks Stef for keeping me accompanied too and also the KinderSurprise. She too got free ice cream, apple and forest berries.

And so it is, all I've gotta say unless you want me to write about the boring 2 days I've spent at home. So, till next time, bye... God bless...

2006-05-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Madness.
Spasticism.
Craziness.

Today, or rather the day that has passed, was a day full of all these.
All own it to the really crazy class, 05S213, full of mad people who are always do spastic things.

Bus ride to the soccer match was everything but boring. The most crazy and fun Truth or Dare I've played so far in my life. Was laughing, screaming and blushing all at the same time.
*Breathe in, breathe out*

During the soccer match, I believed our class was the loudest group of people, at least at the side we were at. Shouted my lungs out. Screamed my voice away. Sure you guys how loud I am, haha...

After soccer match, went for dinner at bugis. 16 out of 26(minus 1, haha... Best friend), were present. That's not the main thing. After dinner me, Darly and Alethea and Teck Teng, had a bath out of agreement at the fountain. Although Teck cheated, going in when the water is dying out, which of course I wouldn't allow to happen. So I dragged him into it and stalled enough time to make sure he is soaked. Fight and struggle were definitely not avoidable. And also not to leave out, the hugging of "dry" people in trying to make them get some blotches at least. And the mad and really wet us sang "We are from **" (according to the tune of Queen's "We are the Champion". And the tourists around were taking photos of this perhaps unspottable scene in Singapore.
Lunatic, really.

Will keep this fun-filled day in memory forever. Lastly, I love you guys lots.
05S213 rocks my life!

2006-05-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

Hello to one and all once again...

Often feel like blogging when I get strong feelings and when you know there is audience.

Anyway, went to church today. And with much anticipation beforehand. Due to the busy schedule of planning the CIP event, I sort of drifted away from dear Lord, and missed one week of church. Which now, I know is a wrong choice as the spirit can't sustain without the presence of God.

Was pretty much shattered by the unbearable stress and more stress. Thought I could make the event a success with my own hands and with help from friends (meaning: no prayer or calling for God's help), until Thursday I realised my mistake. The event was not a single bit like what I wanted it to be. Chaos. Small crowd. Bad response. Lousy time management. So I prayed for the event for the next day on that night.

And Friday came, and it was everything I wanted it to be. Some may say it's Thursday's experience that made it possible. I beg to differ. I say it's God, and I suppose no one should attempt to refute this 'cause I got the first hand experience of this, so i know best what was the impediment for the success.

Anyway, shall end here. I realised I'm writting in a narrative which is not very much like the usual me. Well, till next time, perhaps I'm just very unstable, which is very much like me. Whatever it is, this is Zhikai blogging, no doubt abut it.

2006-05-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a really happy day for me.

Hallelujah. My CG-initiated CIP was a hit in the canteen, and everything went smoothly. Cindy and gang were steady, Azlyn and Muslim were "whoo...". I was also very satisfied with my rendition of "Knocking on Heaven's Door", which Hyun Woo (aka John) helped played on the guitar, the mood was right which explains the almost total silence after I ended the song. Meaning: almost no applause.
Or maybe I was just rotten lousy but I would rather not think of that, and shall accept the null hypothesis.

Band concert was fun too. Had loads of fun and laughters and most importantly, madness with the new gang of people whom I just got to know this year: Teck Teng (aka Kero), Daryl (aka Darly). Too bad Tian Wen (aka Orange) and John couldn't share the joy, but I suppose and certainly hope that there will be other chances.

On my way home alone, I went into the solemn and paranoiac self which I so hate, as mentioned a few times, my mood often gets unexplainably low after much fun and joy. I was fretting that this may not last and that my friends may misunderstood me somehow as being a real gay for acting that "intimate" with them. It's definitely cynical and absolutely inappraopriate of me to think as such, some might say. But I'm saying this because this has happened and it is definitely not a funny business, at least for me as I'm being punished for something I'm darn not guilty of.
However, I do hope that history will not repeat and I would want to trust the love my friends have for me.
Whatever it is, I now have God with me, and He shall never abandon me.

2006-04-05T04:34:00.000-07:00

I know there is one thing called love. And it's the greatest gift from God to be able to love.

I know love is all around me. Like how Wet Wet Wet will sing-I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.

I know I love. And I am loved in return.

But...

I don't know this thing about love.
The hope that exists, but is not there.
The distance between loving and being loved still exists.

I love you, and you know it.
But do you love me, I don't know.
I certainly hope you do.
And I wish it's true.

No matter what,
I love you.

2006-03-24T08:15:00.000-08:00

I once had a thing I kept so dear, but it slipped through my fingers.
Then I tried finding it, but it was never found.

So I gave up on finding it, hopeless like a smell-deprieved hound.
I spent quite a while in getting over it, though the feeling still lingers.

Now as I fill my world with songs, and other jingles.
Loss comes knocking on my door, with a smile on the face, saying:
Can I come in?

I paused.
And I never answered.
The both of us just stood at the door.

The distance so close,
Yet separated by a mile.

2006-03-15T20:47:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel this way?

Doing something you don't want to do but just do.
Not doing something you want to do but just not do.
They just come together, you see?
You fulfil the first statement, you satisfy the second.

And what can you do?

Nothing?
That's when you allow yourself to sink further into this quicksand.

React?
And that's when you hasten the process.

Stoic brings you down.
Struggle drags you down.

2006-03-10T13:19:00.000-08:00

When it comes to knowing the situation, I'm quite a hopeless case.
It just sucks when I get this feeling my friends actually like me but maybe they do not. Or feeling that they do not, but they actually do.

I came out with this hypothesis that my two eyes see different things.
One of them sees the truth, the other sees the unreal. Therefore, when I see the truth, I will doubt its reliability. And when I see the unreal, I will assume it's the truth. When there's just too much, I just don't know. Simply don't know.

Can't blame myself for that, I'm mere mortal. But to cover for that, another eye may be used. It lies in the heart and it's known as "faith".

A lot of times, we are delirious. And with faith, we choose what to believe. Believing in things that are better the truth.

I love the people around me, and I know they love me too. In their own special way.

2006-01-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

I had wanted to blog a long time back, but couldn't find a chance to.
Nothing much to blog like again, but it's another entry for the sake of blogging.

Anyway, here's a chance to wish all a happy chinese new year. This year is a no-visiting year for me, 'cause my paternal grandfather passed away just recently. I will be visiting some houses which are non-taoist though. Went to my grandmother's place yesterday, and this year's a surprising crowded year there. Usually it will be like less than 10 people around, but this year almost everyone came. Thinking: what brings them together? The festival or the knowledge that some of our kins may depart like the 2 last year?
Quite a taboo to speak of such for some, but it's the truth and I hardly see anything as a taboo.

Sigh. That's it I guess, don't feel like blogging anymore, 'cause evrythime I blog, alot of worries will come gushing at me... I don't want that. For now.

2006-01-21T00:25:00.000-08:00

I was saying the other time that I will start feeling the reverse whenever I reach the epitome of joy and happiness. I still can't figure this phenomenum out yet, will one day be enlightened I guess, and I shall talk about it in my post.

Now, I also have got no idea what I'm feeling at the moment. A little shagged from the one long day of activities. Lessons. A little shopping with Wei Ming. Dance practice for soiree. Audition. Dinner with Hilda and Su. Bible Study (which I turned up only for the last 20 mins or so as I lost my way, AGAIN). Then it's home.
Sometimes, when you are really tired, you can just forget this thing about feeling some feelings.

I was on the train just now, on my own. Then I realised I'm actually breathing. So I made an attempt to breathe. Consiously. Then I felt that breathing can be quite a tiring task. Living is quite a chore. So I shouldn't live a life wanting to live, 'cause I will be tired out if I do. Leave this job to Someone who has an upper hand, and live this life subconsiously while we focus on living this life, not just to live, but for discovering its purpose.

Ok, I gotta go eat the kiwi my dad has cut for me, like every night. Till next time, goodbye. God bless.

2005-12-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

Feelings.
Experienced some feelings, which I find special today, I thought I should share it with you guys, though I ain't very good with descibing them in a very poetic way like some people do.

Feeling a queer sense of urgency to be meeting someone I meet so often and not have seen for some time.
Punctual seems late.

Feeling a ticklish giggle in my chest as I'm about to get something I desire yet not possessing it officially.
I so want it now.

Feeling a surge of laughters in the mind as I find something funny and amusing but can't laugh out loud as others may not find it funny at all.
I shall shut up.

Feeling comfortable with people which will allow my freedom of speech.
Passiveness, and "mute-ning" when it's another way round.
Zhikai not speaking his mind? Unexpecting, but true.

Feeling a sense of blissfulness when a love flourishes before me.
Praise the LORD.

Feeling a sense of friend-security when a friend makes me the first person he share something that makes him happy.
I shall take it that I'm important to him. Haha...

Feeling a sense of achievement when someone achieves something I have put an effort in making it possible.
Feels better than when I achieve it myself.

Feeling a day with so many feelings.
*Breathe in breathe out*
Great.

2005-12-10T06:15:00.000-08:00

I was just reading some of my friedn's blog and realised I don't seem to have a clue with the events or people they write in the entry.
Well, I'm sure anyone of you reading my blog must also be wondering what I'm writting at times. Can't blame anyone for that, since we each enter somebody's life at his different phases.

But that doesn't matter does it? Haha... I'm still reading their blogs although half the time, I'm like "eh? Who's this?", "When was that, how come I'm not included?" and "Oh, I wouldn't have felt this way".
Maybe that's the interesting part of it... I do find some of the blogs, of people I link to, very interesting, and nice to read. Won't go into detail who, but you know like Cindy's, which is like very unique in its own way. Oops, didn't I say I won't go into detail like saying Kim's blog is sickeningly readable, and Eunice's blog a can't-miss everytime I web browse. Oops, oops I should stop saying things like YinHong's blog's amusing, SeePing's my frequent tribune.
Okay, I should really stop. Shut up Zhikai....

I gotta go anyway, so I shall stop here.

2005-12-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

The day before yesterday marks the end of the chain of projects the team, Project Circle, will be doing. It will sound cheesy but I still have to say what I gained from this is not just the CIP hours (about 90hrs), but the sweet memories and the pool of nice friends, that made it worthwhile and memorable.

Sigh. But I'm sure our friendships will persist, or? Okay, I shan't be the paranoiac me for this time.

Other than that, there is also a friendship that is somehow relighting. I don't know if it will be, but I'm not really doing anything to make it possible. I'm not the sort who will try to repair something after it's been ruined, okay not so bad, faded. That's why Friendster's not for me. Let's not drift away from the main topic. So if you are reading this, and know what I mean, I encourage you to not pin too much hope, or try harder. I'm a heartless soul, haha...

Moving away from social life, I'm also making changes to my personal life. I'm 4 days into eating 2 sets of fruits (an orange, pear or apple) everyday, and 2 days into exercising (jogging, push-ups and sit-ups)every evening. Partly because of Weiming's advice. Also I thought, since I'm quite a metro already, why not do the full set as to working on my physique than just my hair and face, fashion too. Will try the 3 days detox, eating only fruits, next monday onwards too. It feels good, yes, minus the aches due to the lack of exercise for a prolonged period. Hope this will continue even when school reopens.

Think that shall be it. Till next time.

2005-11-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

Hey, hey... It's been 4months since I wrote in my blog? Haha...

What shall I write?

Holidays already started, well, quite long time back. But there's more time to myself.
This is then the root of the problem. I've been going out pretty frequently until yesterday, I was to be at home.
Well, I didn't date anyone to go out, actually yes; at night, but was cancelled last minute.
And so, i realized that I'm FRIEND-DESPERATE!!!

It's like I can't really breathe without seeing any of my cliques.
Then I turned cranky.
Very cranky.
As I started to have things going through my mind since I didn't have much things to occupy my mind.

Things. Some positive ones, yes, like the friendships that flourished during my time in 206 (with the fact that I'm leaving them) and during the course of Project Circle, and also in other aspects.
And also on the other end of the scale, like how these friendships will fade eventually, and how my friends might start to not like me after they know me better, since I ain't that likable anyway.

Of course I don't want any of the above mentioned to happen, but I can't make myself not think about them.
And when things are at its peak, I will tend to think of its downfall, which will be drastic if it were to happen.
Then again, I've been through, not just once. Yet I still can't tell myself to be numb about such happenings.

Whatever will be, will be (how cliche?). I shall enjoy whatever God gives me at the moment. What's next, I don't know, and I don't want to prognosticate (although I'm paranoiac) what's to come...

And may it last. Cheers. Haha...

2005-08-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

What is college when it's no different from secondary school?
What is individuality when all are supposed to be bungy jumpers?
What is an educator when she speaks like a deliquent?
What is a correction when it's done with more mistakes?
What is a school when students are all law-abiders?
What are rules for when they do not get broken?
What is a teenager when he dresses like he has wrinkles on his ass?
What are clothes for when they do not adorn you?
What is Zhikai when he blends in the kuku-crowd?

It is a paradox.
And I shall be your greatest paradox!

2005-07-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering what's up with the previous post...
I didn't know and still don't know.
Anyway, I'm not feeling as cranky now, perhaps it's the weekend which makes me feel better.

I watched "Mindhunter" with Wei Xing yesterday. And the thing is, we had no idea what the show was about and we just bought the tickets.

It's NC-16 and a thriller. So, can guess how gruesome it is? Haha... The plot is well-planned, acting is fine and the murder is meticulous. But I thought the ending is quite cliche, the photography is also not very well done. Other than that, the show is quite entertaining. Plus, if you don't know, I used to love reading thrillers. But I feel very dumb when I saw how smart someone can get. Criminal profilers, do you know how high your IQ must be in order to qualify?

Nothing in mind at the moment. Till we meet again...

2005-07-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Don't know why I'm feeling so cantankerous today!
Just have all the negative thoughts running through my mind, which is not the usual me. Sigh. My chest just feels so tight, the amount of unhappiness is choking me.

I just don't like being the ignored. The unnoticed!

I don't expect to be under limelight, but at least show me some attention.

I feel like I'm becoming more and more detestable.
Annoying.
Disgusting.
Noisy.
Irritating.
EXTRA!

I'm depressed!
The torrent of contradictions can kill me in the quickest violent way.

I'm hurt.

I bought a bible today.
I hope...

It can be the remedy to turn my tragedy into a comedy.
Although...

It has not.

2005-07-04T02:26:00.000-07:00

I thought I know, but I realised I don't know.

The direction, I'm heading to, seems unclear.
I can feel His presence. I believe in Him.
But my perception of Him isn't much like the same as His followers.
If their way is the best to get closer to Him, then I'll rather not comply.
You can not condone my behaviour. My doctrine.
I can, too, refuse.
'Cause I hold firm to my faith.
That it's all about choice.
Not obligation.

2005-06-24T01:31:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to the song I've searched for years now.
All thanks to Vicnan who help me searched for the song with a small excerpt I gave him.
It's "Bizarre Love Triangle" by Frente!
It's just so sweet. So pure, so simple.

And I've been doing "literature" lately, music interpretation as a practice.
Okay, you guys will be, "ya right, Zhikai? Preparing for exam?"
*Hide my face in my plams* I've not been doing my work, can? Satisfied?

Going to school almost everyday to study with Estee. But 80%-90% of the time, we are like talking.
How? I'm lost, like the new serial on Channel 5 every Thursday, 10 pm. Very nice show, I must say. But my lost is not that kind of lost, and I so wish I will be in their shoes instead.

Anyway, I was talking about music interpretation.
I so want to share what I learnt from these songs I put in my handphone. 'Cause the storage is low, I only added the best songs, at least in my opinion.

1.Angel- Sarah McLaclan
Soothing music. Nice voice. But melancholic content. Pardon me if you think I'm wrong. It's SUCIDAL!
"Arms of the angel" refers to the ascend to heaven.
"Memories seep from my vein" refers to the slitting of wrist.

2.Best I ever had- Vertical Horizon
Well, nice voice which I so don't have. That's why I prefer listening to female vocalist. Anyway, it's a song for break-up. So I don't understand why is it found in my sister's playlist that her boyfriend created for her.

3.Raindrops keep falling on my head- Danny Elfman
Now then I know, the raindrop is a metaphor for troubles. Slow ya? But some people may not know, right? But I can never be like the person in that song. Who stands strong in spite of the trouble after trouble. Aspiring though.

4.Do you have a little time- Dido
Pure intuition of mine, and what I feel. We need to slow down sometimes, and look into what we've missed out. We may not even know what we are missing. And most of the time- our family.

5.Life for rent- Dido
I feel like I'm in her situation. Owning things that is not what I've fought for, what I earned. Sometimes to the extent, we don't deserve what we have at the moment. And this lead to the desserting of what she has in search of something that she can truely call hers. No doubt, she fails miserably. I don't intend to throw away what I am given like she did. What to do when I'm just pampered?

6.A Perfect Lie- The Engine Room [Nip Tuck OST]
I don't have to explain this song. The song is just so nip tuck. But I did pondered. How do we actually define perfect? And looking nice does not mean looking beautiful, this is what many will say! Ai yah, trying to console themselves only. Haha... Then can I ask? Attempting to look good doesn't make your soul any uglier right?

That's all. Thanks for reading until this line, I will usually give up when I see such long post in other blogs.... Haha...

2005-06-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Guilty!!!
I've been slacking my days away.
Sleep, eat, more sleep and searching for more food!!!
What of waste of time and resources? 'Cause these have never gave me an increase in body mass.

What to do when I can't get myself to study? Nothing I guess... I'm just too extreme; I can never mix work with play.
Alright, I shall set my heart to work myself to death next week onwards.
Any sucidal ones out there? Join me in the making!

2005-06-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

Just came back home yesterday night after 2 camps...
It's been a great time, spending time out of house. It's not that I don't like spending time with my family, it's just that I want to be away sometimes. Okay, that doesn't really explain. Haha...

Anyway, the first CIP camp was great. A total leisure camp!!!
I love my group, Group 3!!! Haha, the things we talked are you-know-what...
Second day, we went to the child-care centre... Well, I don't really love kids, and I'm a sucker at handling them. I started off bad by being too "friendly" which deemed me a creepy-kor kor, but it turned out fine soon after. I managed to attract a group of kids, the People People (all girls), following me around, can't figure that out either. I feel rather molested though, they're a little too touchy...

I joined the dancers after the CIP camp ended... Not really enthusiastic about that initially, because I hardly know any year ones and they are all girls. Well, I slowly got to know them better, which is great... Learnt how to play Hearts, slept at 3 plus 4, after playing hearts and pestering Ben to talk to me. Indian Dance's super cool! And Tango just rocks, cheering away when we got last!

That's it I guess... I concluded these 2 camps the most leisure, not the most fun, but 2 of the most fruitful ones...

2005-06-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

It's another birthday.

Happy birthday, Kenneth!!!

I'm feeling happier these days, especially yesterday.
Don't know why I was smiling to myself before I fall asleep as I thought of the happenings these days. I got nothing more to ask for with all these friends around me... I so love the time spent with my beloved classmates, we rock! Except for someone la, you guys should know who, haha...

I'm happy. [full stop]
Or should I use the full stop used by our one and only Eunice? [stupid].

HAHA!!!

2005-05-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

I've passed this week in a gloomy mood.

I feel empty. Empty in skull, empty in heart.

I can't seem to be achieving things I aimed for. Be it academic, CCA. Even friendship; I feel alone.

I feel dumb, inferior. People around me are doing so much better than me.

Where am I heading?

I don't know...

2005-05-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

Well, this is the first time I'm writting an entry when I'm in school, or rather when I'm not at home...

The feeling is queer. Not that I dislike it, the feeling is different. To blog: with a different keyboard, in a foreign place, with people around. I would not know what the entry will be like, I only know it'll be different.

I'm feeling weird these days. I can be frowning one moment, the other laughing, the other dazing... I can feel that I'm heading towards insanity or has I always been? Is it stress? am I stressed? If you ask me, I would say yes... I wish I can have a year off, but i DON'T want to procrastinate... I can't afford to, not with the amount of hope my family is pinning on me.

Things are running through my mind, and I'm fumbling to write down as much as I can, but I know, as always, I will stop with little said...

I just managed to submit my CIP oversea expedition form in a rush. To find out that I have zero dollars for my account balance and only $120 govt. contribution... Damn!!! I always have someone in mind when I'm pissed with the government... You guys should know who, I don't want to spell it and get my parents in jail.

The student counsel results will be out today, and I'm bloody anxious, when I should not be! Darn, I just can't settle down. I am, truely, nervous for the 3 counsellor-wannabes. One in particular, for the amount of things I've done. *Slap myself* It's not about what I've done, it should be what I hope my friends can get what they want!!!

I saw this girl around in school, on the train this morning, on the train yesterday night, and on the bus... She dropped off at the same stop as me yesterday; she lives near me... I don't know the word to use, but I'm enjoying the chances I'm getting to see her around. Someone, I don't know, but is familiar, I find myself attracted to. Is it a crush? Is it love? Is it fate? I don't know, and I may not find out in a million years, but I like it. She's pretty good-looking, in my eyes, or I would not bother looking out for her as you guys know, Zhikai IS superficial.

Strangely, I've nothing on my mind now. Perhaps, in the first place, I didn't have so much in my mind, but just a feeling I get. The confusion of things I wanna tell, and work... I'm guilty now, I'm doing redundant stuff at the wrong hour, I should go. END.

2005-05-07T00:35:00.000-07:00

The student counsellor campaign is finally over!!!
I have done my part, and I'm glad that it ended with a smile on my face. I have done what I felt should be done for my friend.
Posters.
Scarecrow.
Identities.
And more posters.
These tangible stuffs are perishable (they have all been removed), but the intangibles will stay.

The process in seeing more of a friend, in discovering my limitations, in respecting other's decision.

2005-04-30T00:55:00.000-07:00

The day started off fine.
Fatigue still present, but I have seemed to be used to it.
Perky, as I am, as usual.
Excited.
Anticipating in what I've prognosticated.
Then it came a twist in plan.

The absurdity is unacceptable.
The style does not match, it isn't for me to decide.
Rejection straight in the face.
Petrified.
As my mood took a sharp turn negatively.
Then my emotion took control.

Holding on is tearing me apart.
The boiling blood, the inconsistent breathing.
The fall from heights is painful.
Melancholy.
There is no way I can withstand.
The searing fluid burned my skin.

Headaches.
Breathlessness.
And my indulgence in the painful relief.

2005-04-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. so long since I blogged, as I waited for my modem to be delivered. Finally, this is what you guys have been waiting for... My Golden entry... Haha...

I know I'm being perversed, but I have to say... I am laughing at the way you guys are pushing me to go online... Anyway, thanks for the anxiety that you guys feel, I just get so much worth out of it...

So many events took place in the period of time I couldn't go online... Too much to say, I can't make myself rank them, they are all important in scuplting me into what I am, the differences in me after each day... And it's won't be fair if I were to leave any of these "WHAO" events out...

I was, and still am, tried... Totally drained by the work load building up... And the more stressful thing is, like usual, I can't get myself really starting on any of them...

At the same time, there's also the fluorishing of countless friendships... What a paradox. And I must confess that I'm falling in love with my friends... "Yucks, Zhikai, that's so gay..." I mean, ya, like totally... But it will be so deprieving for me to hold back my love for these wonderful people, in whom I see "myselves"... And being a narcissist, I have to love them all... I shall not name them, and smearing their names black for being a homosexual... I'm not one either, but I can't say I'm completely straight... I mean who can be, it's just apalling, unless he's a freak...

Well, one who has the similar train of thoughts as me, one who is a metrosexual, one who is a bitch like me, one who feels, one who's thought to be gay with me... I shall mention only one name, the other is for you guys to guess...
It's Vicnan, who's also agreed on the similarities between us, who had mentioned about me in his blog a few times (no name mentioned though), who's leaving us...

Anyway, I shall end my post at this point... Isn't this the perfect way? To end with a beautiful ending like in the previous paragraph. And is literally an end, an end to our journey together in JC... Let's end it beautifully... Like....

This. -period-

2005-03-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

Hey... Just again another entry to blurt out, clearing the overwhelming feelings building up in me.

Saturday, I cut my hair. A small change in style, tired of the previous repeated haircut. I had my left fringe cut to a ridiculously short length. Well, some will say it's okay, some say it's nice, some say it's weird, some say it's just ugly. For me, I think it's not WOW, BEAUTIFUL. But I like it, I find it "cute", haha... At least I did what I've plan to do- - to have a different haircut that will stand out in the crowd, and is able to stun the people around me. I kinda achieved it and I'm glad.

Sunday, my eldest sis's boyfriend sent her another bouquet of flowers. This time round it's a bouquet of lilies to commemorate their first anniversary. Nice. But one thing I can't stand. The scent, which I think is just disgusting, filled the living room. I don't know, but it smells like dried sweat on a shirt that's left in a dark corner for a week. Yucks. Okay, I got a weird super-sensitive nose, I know. Like, I hate the smell of Famous Amos cause I think it
smells like rotten eggs mixed with chocolate and artificial frangrance. Haha... I'm sure you guys must be like, "What the hell? Zhikai, can you go check your nostrils if there's shit in there?" But yeah, I just don't like the smell cause it makes me giddy and feel like puking, especially when I'm very full.

Also yesterday, I saw the promise made by God to us that the world will not end in a flood like Noah Ark. Haha... A rainbow, if you don't know what I'm talking about. Just another bible story I heard from Kenneth. Cool right? I mean it's a more beautiful explanation than what I learnt in Physics. Definitely.

Today, we had our Orientation. Well, I have nothing much that I want to talk about it. But OGLs, you guys did a great job... I know some of you guys are unhappy over something, which I don't exactly know what... But do perk up yeah? It does get to me when you guys are not feeling happy.
I finally relax as the OGLs got their tees and are wearing them, which means my job is done. And I'm seeing my babies on them all around the college.
*"Babies" is what I call my projects. Though I only designed half the tee, but I monitored the progress of the printing so it's still my project, haha...*
Now I wonder how many more friends will I lose when the PW arrives. As some of my friends know, I'm a perfectionist. And I tend to rush when I do something- - when I want something to be done today, I want it done today. Really scary huh? Haha... That's Zhikai, he's such a jerk.

On my way back home after dance today, I saw something really beautiful yet disgusting at Pasir Ris MRT Station. There's a lamp which attracted a lot of insects towards it. And they were flying in a spiral, taking turns to be closer to the light source.
Then I remember my MSN nick, a few days back, which I translated from a chinese lyrics by Faye.

"A moth dives into a fire, and it dies for its love."
Think about this.

2005-03-25T14:24:00.000-08:00

Hey, it's Good Friday today. Well, I'm not a Protestant or a Catholic so I don't have anything to do, but enjoy this holiday. So I must express my thanks to Jesus Christ... Haha, just kidding, my Christian and Catholic friends, don't take it to heart.

Anyway, I've changed the song on my blog today, always the same song very boring ya. This song is "So i finally decided to give myself a reason" by this band called, "I can make a mess like nobody's business." Credit goes to my dear friend, Cindy, who introduced me this song. Alternative Rock, my favourite genre of music, as some of close friends know. And something new to my other friends.

Also, I'd like to tell you guys about the previous song on my blog. It's called, "I'm Sorry" by the Singapore Idol contestant, Daphne Khoo. Cool song too ya.

Okay, just yesterday, I went for the first dance practice after stopping for 12 days. Imagine 12 days without dance for me, I feel so empty. I'm almost talentless, so dance is the only way I express myself in a way words can't do the job. I'm sure you guys have got other way to do so, like playing the piano, singing, ect. Now, I'm having aches all over my body. The result of lactic acid after such a long time not doing vigorous exercises.

Other than just the SYF training, I was asked to help with the auditioning of the appeal students. It just reminds me of myself just 3 months back when I had to appeal in for the first 3 months. The pain I'm feeling now is nothing compared to the pain I feel then. That time was worst because I had not been dancing for about 10 months. I also got a very big blue-black on my left knee for doing a half-split as part of the audition. The only thing on my mind was that I must fight my way into MJC, even if it means breaking my bones. It all pays off as I got a call of good news a few hours later I left the college.

Now that I can get in MJC without appeal, my friends are asking me if I ever regret for appealing in then. Sadly, I am a little. But I'm sure the friendship and the relighting of my flame of love for dance during the 3 months is able to triump over that.

That's all for today...

2005-03-23T17:06:00.000-08:00

It's been a long day of goodbyes to some members of 05S213 yesterday. I love some of them, and started to love some of them during the days of departure. There isn't a need to list them down. Well, I'm the kind who puts my feelings on my face. If you are not loved by me, you will be able to see the difference I'm treating you and others. But if you are, I'm sure you know...

But it's okay if I don't love you and you know. Because, I'm not God, and it isn't a big deal if I don't love you.

Just read a blog, and actaully read all the entries. It's pleasant to my eyes (though I almost cried), and I'm shocked at how strong a person can get. Well, I can never be that strong, but I'm inspired...

2005-03-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

Life is never beautiful all the time.
But it's the ugliness that makes beauty all the more beautiful.

Watching "American Beauty" has stirred up so many emotions in me, piecing all the misplaced feelings together. Living is about learning, appreciation and changing. All these are achieved through the lessons we are put through. And the ultimate test is, yourself.

Throughout the show, the characters portray the darkness in life. Melancholy. Morbid.
Like life, it ends with death.

He died.

But who's responsible?
Is it the wife who had her adultery discovered by the husband?
Or is it the neighbour who was a homosexual deep down and thought his son was a male prositute patronised by him?

It's up to the audience to decide I would say it. Because in life, the evidents do not always reflect the actual fact. We are ruled by superficiality.

I will say the murderer is the son of the neighbour. Not with his own hands, but with the hands of his father.
He, who smiled at the corpse, has delibrately twisted the fact to push his father into killing him, as he had promised his girlfriend that he will kill his father for her sake.

But is he fully responsible? Or is it just coincidence? Nobody knows, nothing is definite.

To the man who died unconsciously, it doesn't really matter. For he has finally seen the highest level of beauty in life. Death.
He has fought for his happiness.
He is set free from his life of monstrosity.
He has left the world without any regrets.

To me, I catagorise the shows I've watched into 2.
1, a film. A show that does not teach me anything but is just pure entertainment.
2, a movie. A show that is able to move me, changing my perception or giving me knowledge of philosophies in life.
"American Beauty" is what I call a real movie.
Strongly reccommend this to anyone with depth.
"Sea side dwellers" can save their time for something else.

2005-03-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

Sigh... It's already Saturday which is to say, in two days time, school wil start again.

I just can't stand the MOE, especially the spastic JAE, which is nothing but trouble to us... Haha... Wait, the government sue me man. As if I care... So much for being a diplomatic country filled with liberty. If it's so, this is the least I can do, to air my view.
As I've told Hilda once,"the government is an asshole that produces shit like JAE..."
Don't know if you guys agree with me, but I think the fact is staring straight in our face, that I'm so damn right... Haha...

Must be the boredom that's driving to make these comments. I've been staying most of my holidays at home. Imagine, I've only went out 1 day out of 9 days.
My Wednesday movie plan with Kenneth went down the drain as he injured his knee.
My Saturday class outing to the Zoo pops due to the poor response.
Sick man, I'm turning mouldy!!!

Must be pondering, why is this entry so different from the previous fews? Well, it's just another side of me you are looking at. Which side do you prefer? You are free to decide for yourself and the acceptance of which is totally up to you. But the thing is, you can't change either of them in me, because this is Zhikai.*poof*

2005-03-16T01:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever find yourselves in a morass, and not knowing why in the first place you are?
Well, I do... It's the feeling I get, that I've got so much to worry-- I have said something wrong, I have not done enough, I am not good enough, I have done too much, I have went beyond the line. And the list goes on to infinity.

But am I really trapped in such a situation? Or do I have to be?
The answer is a big NO!!!

I can take a step back, take a wider view.
There isn't a definite shape for a situation in life.
It's the angle we viewed it at that determines our interpretation of it.
Point of perception.

So, what is there to worry?
*Ta-da* I've just been punked by myself.
"Zhikai, don't be so sensitive."

Whao!!! I've just missed a few hours of the beauty of life, what a waste!!!
It's okay, I shall not repeat this anymore, and laughed it away...

HAHA...

2005-03-11T20:28:00.000-08:00

It's again another birthday of someone I know...

Today, the Birthday Girl is...
Miss Rika SP!!!

Well, this has made me recall the time we had together. When we coperate in making interesting projects. When we go home together in the same bus. (we live near each other ya) When we...

I have to admit that I'm not really happy back in my secondary school, but I can't deny the fact that there are people, whom I've met, that are worth a part of my memories. And Rika is one of them...

Since I can't see her in person, didn't see her online, don't think she received my SMS, I will use this blog to wish her, Happy Birthday!!!

2005-03-07T23:29:00.000-08:00

After a long day of reverie, it's finally a chance to sit down and think--
Did I had a great day?
Am I'm truely happy deep down or just on the surface?

Getting back together with old friends will bring me back memories, uncontrollably... It may not all be good ones but some which are better off forgotten...
And these are people I share the memories with... The people whom I used to hang out with...
But did I and do I blend in? Perhaps I do, with a doubtful mind of their acceptance.

I'm writting for what's left from yesterday's mind, most of it taken off my mind from today's events. At least I know I have a place to stand in where I am now... Comfortably. Doubtlessly.

I guess I got to decide what I actually feel yesterday. It's not always possible but I'm sure I can, maybe just for one time. Alright, I will not be a cynic, I shall conclude that I was happy yesterday, and today.

Hope tommorrow will also be another day filled with joy.

2005-03-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SEE PING
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

Happy Birthday, See Ping, hope you have a series of fortunate events lining up for you in the year to come!!!
Stay happy, and it's all that matters!!!

2005-03-01T03:34:00.000-08:00

Hey folks... Yesterday's the big day for many of us...

It seemed that it was still yesterday when I was mugging for my O'levels... Well, my results isn't fantastic comparing with some of my friends, but I got the results I've aimed for, in fact, slightly better... And the most important part is-- I'm staying in Meridian, as promised that if I get more than 15, I will leave after the SYF...

Speaking about leaving, I was having a very hard time before the results was out... I will have the place in MJ even if I get 20 due to the part I play in the SYF Dance team as an appeal student... But my sister and I then decided that there's no point for me to stay on with my results that bad...

I was worried for the results, well who won't, but the thing that adds on to my agony the past few days before yesterday is the thought of having to part with some of the finest friends I've made in my 16 plus years... I don't have to mention any names, I believe these people know... All the fun we shared, and there isn't a day in JC you can find me without a smile on my face... And I mean a genuine smile that comes right from my heart...

I'm a person who can never stand loneliness... I can feel totally lost and dispair when there's no one with me, even for a short period of time... I admit I'm an eccentric person...
People always like to ask: What would you do if you were to be the only person to be alive in this world and why?
I don't have an answer to this answer 'cause I would have already died before I can even do anything...

The purpose of me telling you guys this "interesting" fact about me is that I want to let you know that: Whoever is going to walk with me through the two years, and those taking a different path, you make me feel that I'm not alone in this world...

Ps: People from Castor 5 and 05S213, you make me realise what is teamwork... Reminisce some of the moments we shared together at http://www.kai-pictures.blogspot.com/

2005-02-27T04:40:00.000-08:00

As things draw nearer, they seem to be drifting away...
I don't know if this applies to you guys out there, but it definitely applies to me...
Perhaps it's just my hyperactive paranoiac side of my brain taking control...

But is it always the mind taking control? I certainly hope not... I want to be free, of this culprit which is frequently distrupting my perception... In another words, oversensitive...

Now, I shall not let my mind take charge now... It's what comes that will...
Come what may...
My friends, anticipate in changing me, into a brand-new-kai...

2005-02-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

Once bitten, twice shy...
I can truefully understand this... The change in behaviour towards others so as to not commit the same mistake...
The fear of losing fills my every nerve...
The feeling of falling from grace still daunt me...

But what happened has already happened; there's no turning back... I gotta accept them as they are, and learn to never lose the regained and the new ones again...
Perhaps, i's not as bad as it seems... For what I always know, there is often a blessing in disguise in every unhappy incident... Crying over it just means crying it over... Afterwhich, it will be a brighter day...

Like what Kenneth has told me, everything happened for a cause. God made us lose things to teach us how to cherish...

True enough, I cherish what I currently have even more...
Can you guys feel it too?

2005-02-20T05:49:00.000-08:00

Must be wondering what makes me wanna blog again... Well, what makes me stop then? I just feel that blogging has lost the meaning for me... Every entry I used to write in seemed to be filled with so much melancholy that they are not worth reading...

Now, I'm writting the first chapter of a new story... A story filled with happiness...
It's about me and you guys out there... You are the story....

Be inspired...